Billys Moving tribute to Sir David Bowie

Jihadi Billy

I’m back!!!! Back from Depression! Back from Heartache!! Back from Radicalisation!!!

It’s me Billy – Billy is back and in the words of my hero, Barry, ‘Looks like I made it’ – please take a time to listen to him. Barry Manilow  He’s so moving.

You last heard from me when I was on my way back before – before my trauma – The glitter slash of glamour beckoned before disaster struck.

Previously, if you remember, my sham marriage to ‘Cruella DeVil ‘,  Myleen Klass,  had been dissolved owing to the fact that she had a vacant bottomless dark pit where her heart should be.

I hit the bottle, the floozies and then, sad to report, skid row while she climbed the escarpment of celebrity culminating in her becoming the ‘Face’ of Littlewoods. Life.  Despicable life.

But I wrenched myself up by my Jimmy Shoe’s. Dusted down my diamanté and got my hoofers on and bagged myself the opportunity of a life time.  THE Premier Event Host on the’ SS Golden Slumber – a SAGA cruise ship sailing around the Med. Life was looking good. I’d even buried the hatchet with the global rock superstar, Sir Elton John and his husband, David.

I’d even been asked to perform by Sir Elton John, and his husband David, at his/their charity gala event in London’s West end Covent Garden.

When, suddenly my life capsized......

It was an evening. Two years ago. We were mid Med.  Cocktail Evening. The swell was soft and the night sky blanketed the SS Golden Slumber. I was with my entourage, Little Toni and Caro, a transgender specialist from Sheffield. We were organising the Roller Bingo on the Mezzanine level when Little Toni, ears of an eagle, heard a pop on the poop deck. 

We were under attack. 

Unfortunately Little Toni  is, sorry, was, mute. I mistakenly thought he’d started a rather excitable game of Charades and Old Betty, a seasoned Roller Bingo winner, was getting very frustrated that he wouldn’t break the words of the unknown film into syllables. Personally, I thought it was ‘Oceans 11’ but then I heard the unmistakable cry of extremism.

The Extremists had surrounded the Reg Gutterigde Ballroom. 

Now for some of our ‘young at heart’ customers, with mobility issues, it was quite difficult for them to make ‘quick their escape’. Action was required.  At times like these someone has to stand up to these evil doers, someone fearless, brave, a hero but he had jumped ship and so it was left to me.

 I prostrated myself in front of the terrorists. I played possum. I wasn’t scared. I’d seen Myleen sans make up. Rather prepares you for the Taliban.  

 ‘Take me’ I said ‘let the others continue on their fortnight holiday around The Med with a two night stopover in Xante all for under £500.’

There was the unmistakable jabber of terrorists in cahoots. Then wallop. Then Black...

I had been captured by Izal/formerly known as DASH.

I awoke in a dark, damp pit, - the bottom of Myleen’s heart?  It was my prison cell, metaphorically as well as literally - I was alone – solitary- with only my prison guard, Fathid, for company. 

He was finishing off a MacDonald’s and, I suppose, it was in that moment that I understood their desire to take over the West. 

He offered me a fillet ‘o’ fish. I raised my hand to pass.

 I was very aware of ‘Stockport’ Syndrome - a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.

I remember Terry Waite coming out from his captivity as a Jew and Patty Hearst (no relation to our own 3 goal World Cup hat trick hero Geoff) joining the Baider Meinhof gang and becoming German. And we all know which way that boat sails.

So my guard was up against my guard but Fathid was a remarkable young man...

Over the next few missives I’ll expand more on my incarceration and the surprising turn of events. Yes! they’re are tears but there’s laughter too!

I want to finish with the words of Marti Pellow from Wet Wet Wet, and their January to May 1994 hit  Love Is All Around – Love is ALL around -  because you never know when you might be captured by Izal.

So, if you are near to someone you love – hug them! But also, more importantly if you find yourself in the feminine hygiene aisle at, say, Lidl and near someone who might be Taliban – hug them too!

Love One Another

Billy